Dogstrology

Capricorn Sign Your motto is slow and steady wins the race, which means having lots of dog naps. Like the hardy goat your sign embodies, you are inclined to eat anything including shoes, plants, trees and garden hoses. Capricorn tends to rule Labradors and Rottweilers, whose natural instinct to try consuming anything once, fortunately stops at young children under the age of five. Faithful, committed, and always reliable, your stoic capacity for loving the human race should be rewarded both in this life and the next. Just remember that when in doubt, sleep it out.
Drink this month: A cuddly Californian Chardonnay.

 
Sagittarius Sign You guys are the half and half of the Zodiac and are often demonstrated by the 57 Heinz Variety of the dog world. Many half Wolfhound, half Terrier are born under this sign. You guys like to believe that spreading your seed around the neighborhood will guarantee the survival of the species. As a consequence, you tend to outlive most breeds and often enjoy a life of longevity, and even high intelligence. Your physical quirkiness endears you to owners the world over. Now if only all the other dogs could ‘ketchup’…
Drink this month: Any Meritage or Rhone Ranger or both blended.

 
Scorpio sign Scorpios know the meaning of revenge. How many cushions, curtains, and occasional sofas, have been chewed to bits when you have been left at home alone! You guys need to learn that revenge is a dish best served cold. Try instead leaving a well-chilled (preferably buried and left outside for a good three to ten months) bone under the freshly laundered bed linen. A fecund bone smells a thousand words I like to say, and revenge should never be sweet - it should be extremely rancid. Cutting the cheese and leaving the room quickly whilst your human companions are having a dinner party, or whilst they're opening / decanting a decent bottle should also be considered.
Drink this month: A woofy Syrah from Washington.

 
Libra sign Peace loving and diplomatic, if there was a UN in dog world, you guys would staff it. You remind your owner that even after eating the roast that was left out for dinner, forgiveness is next to ‘Dogliness'. So what if you ate the apple pie, ice-cream and after-dinner mints that were also hanging around. It's your job to make sure all food is safe and fit for human consumption; such is your belief in sharing. Just remember that creating a pleasant environment for humans to live in may mean occasionally getting off the couch, after you have so kindly warmed it for them.
Drink this month: Balance baby, balance. Oregon Riesling, or Pinot Gris or ...

 
Virgo sign OK, so what's all the fuss about you guys, and why is it, just for once, you can't try some dog food that isn't your absolute favorite? You puppies are like the wine and food critic of the dog world and collect bones for cellaring like it's going out of style! So what if the daffodils have to make room for your 2005 vintage or the newly planted lemon tree is dug up for the purposes of maturation. If only your owners could understand the value of research and collection of bones that is so important to a dog like you. Perhaps you could teach them a thing or two about aging wine, instead of watching with dogged dismay as they knock back yet another bottle without a thought for giving it a chance to lay down and improve somewhere in the garden.
Drink this month: Oh so fashionable Viognier from Paso Robles.

 
Leo sign Drama queens by nature, you guys assume that you are natural born royalty and let everybody know it. Afghan Hounds and Corgis are often born under this sign. Whether it’s the way you strut when you go walkies or your capacity to look regal, even after that unfortunate neutering operation, you guys leave any Monarch for dead. People often comment on your well-groomed good looks, which begs the question of just how you guys deal with all that attention. Don’t forget the little guys too, especially those Chihuahuas, and remember that in order to rule, you must always make sure your subjects adore you. That way, a lifelong supply of bones is a sure thing and all you have to do is look good (dog).
Drink this month: Leaders of the Packs need something loaded from Lodi.

 
Cancer Sign It has to be said that you guys are known for your crabbiness at being made to go outside to pee at night. Being snappy may end up not working in your favour, or your owner’s greater interests. Leaving a little bit of yourself inside as a gift may not be the solution either. You guys need to remember not to bite the hand that feeds you, no matter whether it’s below zero or raining cats and dogs, when the call of nature beckons. As a Water sign, you need to go and take time out at the beach occasionally. Not only will the fresh air be good for you, shaking your salt-water and sand-laden coat all over your owner surely demonstrates just how much you do love them.
Drink this month: Something fizzy with bite. Carneros is your caper.

 
Gemini Sign You guys are twice the fun and twice the dog, and have a habit of confusing the heck out your owner because you always seem to be in two places at once. Just when they thought you’d gone outside, you’re actually inside having yet another chew on the toilet roll in the WC, or knocking over the rubbish bin to see if there’s anything inside. Double Trouble should be your real zodiac name. You are the monkey of the dog world; fast, chatty and liable to swing from one naughty activity to the next. Slow down and smell the roses instead of digging them up OK? Maybe Peter Puppy Pan, it’s time you grew up.
Drink this month: Something supple and pretty from Santa Barbara. Pinot.

 
Taurus Sign Contrary to your sign, there’s no bull with you lot, unless of course you are a Bulldog, a natural tendency of Taureans. Fiercely loyal, and sometimes a touch on the stubborn side, you guys love to eat grass and then regurgitate it by your owner’s feet. Of course sometimes this affection is a little misunderstood, but those beautiful puppy eyes could melt the heart of the most displeased dog owner. Just remember that being asked to demonstrate obedience can often mean a little treat on occasion, and that being told what to do can also have its own rewards. Just sit and bear it I say.
Drink this month: Something bullish and off the leash. Zinfandel.

 
AriesSign Come on, come here? Come here! As Aries, you doggies are the natural born ‘leaders of the pack’ of the zodiac. Dog owners around the world are fooled into believing they are actually taking you out for a walk but this is never really the case. Being on the lead has a totally different meaning to you, and you guys need to think about who’s the boss sometimes. Alright already, so it’s you, but we won’t tell, so long as you play dead on occasion and do those silly tricks that seem to amuse anybody willing to worship your greatness.
Drink this month: Pull one of your keepers out of the kennel. A cabernet with Woof! You are so Sonoma.

 
Pisces Sign You lot are the pussycats of the zodiac. So incredibly sensitive, you can emote at the drop of a bone; Lassie movies were probably written by you. When your owners leave you alone in the house, you howl down the neighborhood for hours, and many calls are made to 911 in the belief that somebody has died. Of course once your owners have returned, the affection delivered by wet licks and continuously running laps around the coffee table make up for any bad behavior, say for example, the digging up of your owner’s car keys that mysteriously went missing the last time you were left home alone. Perhaps your ‘key’ to happiness is to stop hounding people.
Drink this month: White Zinfandel but don’t drink with fish – they always win.

 
Aquarius Sign Always out there, in fact you don’t have dog trainers, you have dog gurus. ‘Dog friends are the best friends’ is your personal motto, and you are known for your capacity to be loved by just about everyone, except for the occasional cat. You just don’t go out for walkies, you go out to send the message. What you need to realize is that a good bone isn’t the secret to long life, as far as the rest of the world is concerned. Your Downward Dog Pose is a credit to the Yoga Master that you once charmed the Ashram off of.
Drink this month: Monterey Merlot.